Meeting your Inner Critic
It’s been another one of those mornings and you wake up late for work, you rush around the house, wishing you knew where you put the keys, and in your last moments you take a sip of coffee (or tea) and miss your mouth, staining your top. You’re probably going to be late now.
Have you ever stopped to listen to how you treat yourself in this moment? Can you hear the tone of voice? Don’t worry if you can’t. Some people think in images and felt-sensations (known as feeling tone) more than they do with words.
When I run through this scenario in my Mindfulness courses, a very strong and common theme begins to show. When it comes to stressful moments in life, many people discover to their surprise that they are blaming and critical towards themselves.
When asked a little more about the voice, people are often surprised that it might not always sound like their own and instead they have internalised a mean figure from their childhood. “You stupid girl” or “You clumsy boy” it might say, or others have seen a finger wagging at their own face.
One could argue that this is a useful response to help us to sharpen our senses and to admonish ourselves so we don’t do anything careless again;
And yet
If we saw a friend go through the same situation, would we think that our best response to help them would be to chastise them?
Whilst our inner critic can seem harmless during the small stuff. It can come at a great cost if it is left to run the roost. If we experience a big difficulty in our life (especially when some, or all, of it might have been our doing) then the harshness that we inflict on our-self, might last long after the original mistake has faded out of everyone else's memories.
Thankfully the inner critic isn’t the only part that we have to rely on. We all also have an inner nurturer that acts like a good and loving friend that is able to help us to accept our situation, heal our wounds, and make wise decisions to repair our own damage and to feel good about ourselves once more. If we want this friend to come more readily to our aid during the tough times in life (sadly tough times have a way of appearing) then we better start getting good at knowing how to contact this friend and keep them by our side.
Ultimately, this comes down to being able to make time to slow down enough to truly hear and feel how we our treating our self and to recognise that we are more than just our inner critic and that it doesn't have to control us. After the awareness comes the ability to nurture or cultivate a sense of kindness, gentleness and tenderness as well as a willingness to sit and acknowledge some of the pain and learn how to hold it gently. This takes time and practice, and finding a well guided or structured wellbeing practice that suits your way of being is very important.
