On self improvement and self acceptance: The paradox of change

Changing our self is hard; or at least that’s the narrative.

Maybe we want to be less lazy, more sociable. Believe in our self more, have more self esteem.

The common thread is that self improvement requires discipline, grit, blood, sweat, tears. We need to stick with something for 6 weeks or more. We should set goals, make plans, write things down and get up earlier in the morning. Accomplish things. It’s meant to feel difficult but we will be rewarded in the long term.

The story goes that we should change to be better. Because if we’re not working to improve ourselves then we will be falling behind, squandering our time on this planet, not living up to our potential. We should aim to be a little bit better every day. Or so the saying goes.

Better at what? Than who? I will get back to that a little later.

When it comes to self improvement, I am here to say, that all this effort is a big waste of time.

Why?

Because, in short, it causes friction.

If we are trying to use energy to improve our self then we are pitting our self against our self hoping that we will win. This is akin to trying to turn around quickly and catch-out our own reflection in a mirror or trying to fly by pulling on our own shoe-laces.

We will always find that there is a you trying to win, and the very same you is perfectly and effortlessly resisting each and every attempt with as much or as little effort, fast or slow, sneaky or direct.

No matter how early we get up in the morning, how far or hard we push our body, or how sociable we make ourselves if it is done through the desire to be better than who we are we, then we will be left with the frustrating fact that we will be staring directly into our self each and every time. We cannot get rid of it.

Improving ourself simply does not work this way.

Until…..

Until we stop resisting our self.

Let me share some words from the incredible psychologist Carl Rogers from his book On Becoming a Person:

“One way of putting this is that I feel I have become more adequate in letting myself be what I am.  It becomes easier for me to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which I would like to function. This must seem to some like a very strange direction in which to move.  It seems to me to have value because the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.”

(Carl Rogers has a wealth of fascinating work centring around Humanistic Psychology that is of great value and is well worth exploring)

So rather than using the tools of discipline and effort, we just have to accept ourselves?

This is getting to the root of it. The problem is, that if change is hard, acceptance is harder.

Some thoughts on Self-Acceptance

Acceptance requires softening and passivity (rather than toughening and activity), both of these things are commonly feared and seen as weakness and are skills that are relatively unknown and underdeveloped. As Carl Rogers says “I have learned to become more adequate in listening to myself”. Listening requires stillness, focus and practice. It is wise to aim to become increasingly more adequate as opposed to strive for an elusive form of perfection.

Acceptance requires an understanding that we are multi-faceted; that we have conflicting parts and values, all of which are trying to do the best for us (and what is important to us). There is no evil part, or wrong part. In order to accept these parts we first need to identify and acknowledge and learn to spot the ways in which they arise.  Spending time with a skilled therapist may be of value to help you to explore this in a safe and professional way.

Acceptance requires creating room for the parts of our self that we prefer to keep at arms length. We often fall short of our ideal sense of our self, time and time again. We carry, and will inevitably encounter: disgust, shame, grief, fear, sadness and anger and in order to accept these emotions we can deliberately “invite them in” and “greet them at the door” to coin a metaphor from the excellent poem The Guest House by Rumi.

We cannot just “think ourselves” into acceptance through the use of clever affirmations. Our tonality (the sense of warmth etc) and how we treat our self through the gentleness in our actions is much more important than the words we use. If there is a sense of harshness, coldness or criticism despite telling our self ‘kind things’ then we are still practicing rejection.

Seek out new experiences where we ‘forget our self’ or especially when we get to be ‘our self’ (who else can we be?) but in foreign lands and environments perhaps with a new group of people. We will be exercising parts of our self that may normally go hidden or unnoticed.  This may perhaps be the most intrinsically enjoyable path way for self discovery and acceptance, although it is not without its hazards.

The curious paradox of change

When we grow ever more accepting of our self, and learn to listen then there is no need for hiding, forcing, resisting. The change has already happened and it flows organically.

For example we may come back from a holiday or after a significant event, and realise that we are no longer afraid to say “no” to our boss or to do an activity that used to scare us. It’s not as if we have to use conscious effort to create this change, it is just that now we feel and think differently and more and new choices seem more natural and available and within easy-reach.

All the common activities that are popularly promoted for self improvement such as exercise, study, work and sports or hobbies, no longer carry a weight of obligation or responsibility. There is no would, should or must attached to them. What we do, we do instead without friction and for the sake of joy. We can push ourselves to breaking point, because it is what we are interested in. We can lie on the sofa because that feels pleasant. We can study and read because it nourishes us.

Very often in life we don’t need new ideas, we need new experiences. We need opportunities to listen to ourselves more adequately, to accept that we fall short of our ideals, to make room for all the areas we keep hidden or to one side. When we offer ourselves deep warm friendship in this way we can find, to quote meditation teacher Bob Sharples “

“ [that] there is no longer any need for the subtle aggression of self-improvement, for the endless guilt of not doing enough. It offers the possibility of an end to the ceaseless round of trying so hard that wraps so many people’s lives in a knot. Instead there is now meditation as an act of love. How endlessly delightful and encouraging.”