On Confidence and Authenticity: The Narrow and expansive self

I can make only small claims towards being either authentic or confident. Oftentimes I am a bundle of small-scale everyday worries and occasionally I am consumed by the big dreaded fears all of which minimise my ability to act. Sometimes I shrink and hide, other times I come on too-strong. Rather than feeling like a glorious singing bowl that reverberates effortlessly and harmoniously without apology around the room, I feel a tightening and constriction that stops me from resonating easily, the reverberations forced and falling short of their true nature.

I can however raise a tiny flag (as can all other humans by theway) and say that there are times when I notice that my anxieties and my dreads melt away and I am left with the ability to ring, and flow and be and act with ease and competence and joy, unrestricted and unflustered by the world around me.

I have some sense through my studies, practice and teachings within the context of mindfulness and meditation as to the peculiar nature of confidence, ease and authenticity and want to share a piece of it in a bitesize and digestible form. I am poking at a huge topic that is on the one hand staggeringly simple, and on the other mind-bending and complex. For this reason I have included a suggested reading/listening list at the bottom of this article.

At times more words only make the subject appear more complex than it is. On the other more words are required if only so that one particular sentence is what prompts the “AHA” moment.

The narrow view of the self

It is common in our (I am speaking as a Brit) culture to have a narrative of the self as someone in the rat-race. We are swimming upstream. The view of the self is saturated (even if we don’t know it) with Freuds ego and libido, Darwins survival of the fittest and a whole host of other philosophical and psychological theories that dictates that we are a small self in a large world seeing how far upstream we can get.

The narrow view shows us that we have a name, a career, a type of character, and teaches us how we should think feel and behave in order to do well. 

The narrow view ‘has’ a body, it is like a vehicle that needs maintenance. We can strengthen it and stretch it. This gives us pleasure and we can show others how shiny it is. It also lets us carry our head around so that we can improve our chances of succeeding in life.

We carry anxiety because we are terribly afraid of messing it all up. We get a sense that something doesn’t feel right. Authenticity is hard because we weren’t born to be passionate about whatever our job specification says we should be passionate about, or we might not be interested in listening to someone talking about their particular hobby; and if we show uncertainty in any of its guises we worry we will fall short in the opinion of others. 

If we did show our authentic selves it will probably express a deep exasperated sigh, or maybe even a belly laugh at how ridiculous the charade really is. 

We want more confidence so that we can survive in the world of people talking in rooms sharing ideas. We want confidence so we can demonstrate that we are funny, kind, smart and loveable. In the narrow view we build confidence by preparing, rehearsing and scripting ahead of time. If we lose track of our script, we tighten and crumble afraid of what might come out of our own mouth.

We can learn (through any number of courses or books) how to: fake it so that we can make it, make ourselves heard, be indispensable, become more productive, become more influential. That way we can hold our ground, assert ourselves, fill the silences or push for more more more. We might even win the rat race. Guilt, shame, fear should ideally never come to the surface, they are perceived as weakness. It’s best to keep them at arm's length, they might be infectious.

The natural world might be calming and pretty, however most of the time it gets in the way. There is just too much of it in between where we are and where we ought to be. We Stomp heavily through it whilst trying to solve our problems. Or race through it urgently trying to make our appointment on time. Rain slows down our travel time and gets in our way.

 All of this is striking a singing bowl over and over again as rapidly as we can, hoping we can be heard amongst all the others engaging in their own narrow view.  All the while our fingers are clasped around its edges and we ring with a dull and hollow thud. 

The Expansive Self

We are the natural world.

No different from a leaf on a tree. We emerge, matter and energy, pulsating and vibrating, then we come to some kind of end.

We are special and we are not special.

We are as special and as intelligent as a rock, a rat, a rake, a reef shark.

Our intelligence doesn’t come from our rational control over our urges and feelings and our capacity to remember a lot of stuff. It comes from the same flow that lets a butterfly travel across the ocean, or for the seaweed to root to the rock and dance in the current.

We are expansive because we have room to hold the spectrum of feeling and the nature of thought.

We are expansive because we are aware that  ““I” is an idea of ‘myself’ a thought among thoughts”

We are expansive because we are aware that the head and body are not separate, and the body and the environment it is in are not separate. We are a body/mind happening organically in an environment in real time.

The expansive self has no need to build confidence. That doesn’t mean that it feels supremely confident, like inflated mouse Jerry striding towards Tom cat. It’s just that it acts in the awareness of the moment. And so, stepping onto a stage for public speaking, it notices the sensations in the body, the cadence and quality of breath, the nature of the arising thoughts and it makes room for them all without getting caught up in them. It attends to each moment afresh. 

It does not try to compensate for fear or worry, because they do not diminish it.

The expansive self has no need to find authenticity. It will fumble, falter, fail, fart, feel shame, dissapointment and fear (not always in that order). It will try new things and step into uncertainty. It has room for all this and so will act accordingly. In times it will lean into a situation, at times it will lean back from it, at other times it will let go of it entirely. It will say “I’m sorry” “I don’t know” “I’m frightened”. It will recoil, hide, pounce and play. 

The narrow view of the self says "I Will! Just watch me!" The expansive view says "I will just watch me".

All of this is like striking a singing bowl once that is unconstricted. The sound resonates with ease and without force or trying. It vibrates and lingers around the room, and then it fades. Nothing more nothing less. A quiet gravitas of a singing bowl singing its own song.

How do we bridge the gap? 

Let me start again by saying that I live the majority of my time with a narrow view of consciousness and only on occasion feel some of what I am describing above. Sometimes I understand it intellectually, and this can almost make things worse, because the habit of trying to ‘fake it till I make it’ comes in which adds another layer of tightness and anxiety.

Secondly, let me reiterate, that what I described above is not something ‘rare’ and 'above' that only the high and mighty can possess either through privilege, being well educated or thoroughly disciplined. It is what we all already are. It doesn’t exclude or protect us from suffering and let us feel only calm and peace, in fact it opens us up to feeling what suffering feels like. So be careful what you wish for.

Lastly, I know I don’t hold the answers, however, this being an article, I will do my best to share some thoughts, so here we go:

  • Be willing to let go (if only a little) of the certainty of the “story of you”. Discovering you are more than just ‘consciousness trapped in a bag of skin’ is not like the process of making a cake, putting on muscle or passing an exam. It is not about addition. It is about subtraction. Like softening to see the picture in a magic eye and saying “Oh there it is.”

  • Find a guide. There is a history of people who have experienced that there is more than just the narrow self. The more spiritual looking the person does not equate to the more likely they will be in guiding you. In fact this might come at a hindrance. Animals and nature can be invaluable guides because they are showing us the nature of what they are, and they don’t have the nasty habit of complicating things with words.

  • Marinade in the ordinary. Rake leaves, drink water, walk in the woods, watch the clouds, sit perfectly still, notice the breath. All these things and many like it, can seem as if we are seeking something special, but it is the other way around. They are pathways to noticing that we are not separate from the world, we are one and the same as it. If we find ourselves standing on top of a mountain, waving a feather around and chanting some ancient magic words we are the narrow self, caught in a delusion that we have to force “special” into happening. Everything is already special, we don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.

  • Know that it will go. Sooner or later after an expansion of view their will naturally be a contraction and we will find that we are cringing over a conversation and wishing we could have said or done something differently. Our life will inevitably likely shrink back down to the belief that we are just “little old me swimming upstream”. 

However

Just like seeing the magic eye, once you know you have the knack for a certain picture, you can always find your way back to it, if you can begin to soften and let go.



About the Author:

Tom is a Mindfulness teacher outdoor activities instructor, Wellbeing coach and writer. He is drawn towards sharing compassion and Mindfulness and guiding others towards softening, and finding peace, calm and joy.

In his spare time, Tom loves climbing, yoga, spending time in nature, meditating, reading and playing video games.



Suggested Reading

Ram Dass: On Becoming Nobody (Audible)

Alan Watts: You're It: On hiding seeking and being found (Audible)

Jack Kornfield - After the Ecstasy the Laundry

Christof Koch - Then I am Myself the World

Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now

Alan Watts: The Way of Zen

Phillip Kapleau - Three Pillars of Zen

Michael Neil - Caffeine for the soul (6 minute podcast shorts often about consciousness)






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