We need to talk about talking about Mental Health
It is easy to talk about the fact that it is important to talk about mental health. I frequently hear people talk about how they believe other people should talk about their mental health, whilst subtly avoiding broaching the topic for themselves. It is one thing to talk about it and something entirely different to go ahead and do it.
What is more, some people do begin talking and find that either it doesn’t help or it only goes and makes things worse.
This article is all about how we can actually begin to find useful ways to open up about our own Mental Health in a way that can improve our chances to heal and feel better.
Who is Listening?
The doctor looked at me quizzically. I was standing in a hospital cubicle with my shirt off, hunched and lopsided and rigid-as-a-board from a bad back. I explained that I tweaked it a few days ago, and experienced severe pain and now was reduced to hobbling around the house. He pressed a thumb into various parts of my body.
“Does it hurt here?”
“No”
“How about here?”
“No”
“Here?” He said shifting his thumb to another part of my back
“No”
“Hmmmm” he said stepping backwards “I think you were born like this”
I stood incredulous at the ridiculous diagnoses.
We have all had the experience of our pain and suffering going un-heard un-cared for and un-validated.
Talking about Mental Health is only one half of the equation. Having it heard and listened to is the other.
Who we speak to is a crucial part to having a healing conversation about our mental health. As this story goes to show, seeing a professional doesn’t always help on the first go, but very often it can be incredibly helpful and so we may need to learn to try, try and try again.
There are several reasons why a professional might be helpful:
They are being paid to pay attention to you. That means it should be a one-way transaction. You don’t have to hear about any of their burdens, instead it is just you and the professional focusing solely on your wellbeing.
They will have experience of people in a similar position to you. This can simply help to dispel the feeling of “I am the only one that feels this way”. They may also be able to share what has worked well for other people in similar situations
They are likely to have a certain skill set given to them by training and experience. This will include a way of listening and speaking and asking questions that is different to a regular everyday conversation. What these skills are depends very much on the individual and their training. Learning to break free from the conventional routine of an everyday conversation can help us to experience our inner-world differently.
They should be confidential as well as not attached to your life in any other way. Allowing you the chance to speak freely and openly about parts of your life/self you may otherwise keep hidden
Despite all that, you may find that it isn’t a professional you speak to after all, but a friend or stranger or even a group of people that makes the difference.
Regardless of who it is, we need to choose our listener well, because “being heard” and “feeling felt” are critically important when it comes to having a conversation about our own mental health.
Mental Health is a big word
What do we even mean by talking about Mental Health. So far in this article I have used the term in a way that suggests that it is something that only occurs when we are struggling. In fact our mental health can be talked about in the same way as our physical health. Very often when we are referring to Mental Health we might otherwise say “Low Mental Health” or “Mental-ill Health”
Sometimes we are ticking along just fine, at other times we might feel particularly robust, resilient, clear-minded or chirpy, whilst at other times we might feel fragile, vulnerable, unstable, foggy-headed or low.
When talking about our mental health it can be very useful to realise that it also includes a positive side as well. The above graph makes it appear that there is a linear spectrum and that crisis and excelling are poles apart. In fact the human body and mind doesn’t work in such a linear way, and we can shift, jump, flow and change just like the weather.
Own the full range of your Mental Health
Talking about our Mental Health shouldn’t have to wait until we are in crisis. It can begin at any stage, and at any time and for any reason.
What is important is that when it comes to talking about our mental health we learn how to talk about every aspect of it from the times when we feel like we are in crisis, all the way through to the times when we feel like we are excelling.
This can be viewed as celebrating what is going well, such as moments of ‘calm’ ‘energy’ or ‘normal social activity’ (even if it is tiny and insignificant) all the way through to voicing our grievances.
In this way we can begin to diminish the feeling that “Mental Health” is some kind of monster, abnormality, illness or fault that only shows its head when we seem not to be coping well, but it is equally as present when life is just ticking along or when we enjoyed a coffee with a friend. This helps us to come alive to all of our experience and begin to feel the full depth and breadth of our inner world, something that we’ll come onto next…
The inner and outer world, and knowing the difference
Some of our difficulties come from our circumstances in our current and immediate outer world, mostly our living conditions (such as worries about accommodation, sleep and food being severely compromised) or our relationships with other people, being treated unfairly or even abusively. In fact poverty and prejudice are correlated to experiencing mental ill-health. In these instances our conversations about our mental health with other people will focus on our outer-world and on ways in how we might make external changes. These types of conversation often seem more familiar and comfortable to us, they can feel pragmatic and concrete and offer up clear actions for us to take.
Having the courage to open-up to the right person about our struggles with real-life things in the world is very important and might mean that we receive life-enhancing help and support.
However, that is only one aspect of understanding our mental health.
The Inner World
Our inner world (Or our interior) is very different from our outer one. We know it is there, but we will never be able to see it. It isn’t mechanical or digital, instead it is biological and chemical and also includes our mind/consciousness, which at the time of writing is still something that scientists and philosophers can’t fully explain.
Our inner world never stops moving, and provides us with a full depth of pleasant and unpleasant sensations, and at times it can cause us a great deal of grief and suffering. From catastrophising, rumination, dark or repetitive thoughts, harsh self-criticism, jealousy, paranoia, hatred and probably much more we have the ability to make ourselves feel terrible even when life seems okay on the outside.
It is easy to imagine that the inner world exists solely within the mind, and that if we simply just remember to ‘talk to ourselves’ differently and think more logically and rationally then we will get a grip of our unruly mind and get on with our day like everyone else. (see also my last article “It is time to stop thinking”)
But the mind and the body are all one system, linked and intertwined so inseparably that it can be helpful to refer to them as body/mind so that we do not consider them as two separate and opposing forces.
In order to begin to talk about our inner world I think we need to be able to do a few things:
Learn to catch thoughts and feelings. Our language (either self-talk or spoken aloud to another person) can be helpful here “I am having a catastrophising thought” “My thoughts feel extra real to me today” “I notice rumination”. This requires the ability to slow down and step out of ‘doing mode’. The primary tool for this is through practicing Mindfulness.
Noticing what is happening in the body. This can take a lot of time, and is definitely harder for some people, and it often requires the help of someone who is really experienced and practiced in this subject. Examples of noticing what is in the body might be: tingly fingers, a hot head, a weight on the shoulders, a metallic taste,a lightness in the legs. It can also be more abstract and some people may for instance notice phenomenon such as “A red cloud in my chest that is spinning clockwise” or unusual imagery, sound, smell and taste existing either within the body or sitting in the space behind our eyes.
Why we should talk about the inner world?
It isn’t normal for most of us to talk about our mental health in regards to our inner world. It is abstract and often alien to us, it is hard for us to notice, and even if we do notice it, we often lack the language to explore and describe it and a suitable person who we trust to listen to us.
But when we can, one of the main purposes of why it is important to talk about mental health in this way (to a good listener) is because doing so helps us to wake up to our interior. To recognise that we aren’t a rational automaton or just a cluster of psychological diagnoses, but instead a living, breathing, feeling animal with a body/mind. Very often nothing has gone wrong, and the way we feel is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances or the result of living in a culture/society that is very different to what our mind/body evolved for.
Because much of our suffering comes from the mysterious movements of our inner world, it would be foolish to talk about our difficulties as if they all stem from the events that happened in the external world. This reminds me of the tale of the man who lost his keys in the dark street, but decides to look for them in the house, because it is brighter there.
We can begin to understand what our shame and our pain feel like and look like without becoming entangled in stories and narratives, and we can have somebody listen and guide us.
This isn’t to deny the events that have happened to us. In fact by focusing on our inner world, we can sometimes find the root of a particular feeling, and all of the thinking that comes with it.
To feel is to heal.
It stops us from engaging in the behaviours that we use in order so that we don’t feel vulnerable, for example: micro-management, use of humour/banter, alcohol, scrolling on the phone and instead helps us to process and move through the suffering that we are holding onto.
In order to have a conversation about our mental health in this way, we need a person and a place where we feel safe. This goes back to what I wrote about about the beginning of the article, an experienced and skilful listener that you trust, they might be a professional, they might just be a great human being.
The Dark Side
That isn’t to deny that we can also encounter harm by opening up about our inner world. We need to move slowly and with sensitivity, maturity, wisdom and care. The path is done in little manageable steps and with the help of others, as opposed to one big step all by our-self.
Enough Talk
It is important to have the courage to talk about our inner and outer mental health (rather than just talking about talking about it), whether we are in crisis all the way through to when we are excelling.
AND
There is a time for talking, and a time for being. Once we have done our talking, it is time to let it go and return to being awake in the present moment. This includes looking for ways to find joy in the everyday. To open our eyes, lift our chin, move our body, spend time with others or in nature and feel the breath in our lungs.
To quote from Frank Herberts Dune “The mystery of life isn’t a problem to solve but a reality to experience”
